My Inner critic is wide, the one that haunts me as a person, at work, as a sister, a friend, a daughter, a girlfriend, a church member, the list goes on…
I don’t think it started today, it’s been a while…
Recently, I had a conversation with my bosses at work and asked for a performance review. I got good reviews as well as places I should work on…
This part is about the good reviews, the good reviews negated all the negative perception I had about myself and my work. That feeling of “not doing enough”, “would I be sacked?”, “this huddle is probably to let me go”, “someone is about to scold me” and many other similar thoughts.
Why did I feel like this even after putting in endless hours at work, working round the clock, consuming as much as I can to get better… but why did I still have this fear and dreadful feeling?
I began working on it, my Spiritual father and my boyfriend had urged me not to let fear in. My Spiritual father led me to pray and meditate on this scripture - Isaiah 41:10
Fear not [there is nothing to fear], for I am with you; do not look around you in terror and be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen and harden you to difficulties, yes I will help you; yes I will hold you up and retain you with My [Victorious] right hand of rightness and justice. — Isaiah 41:10
Various parts of this scripture spoke to me at different seasons.
For example, the next day after the meeting with my spiritual father, as the fear and dread of a Monday morning was about creep in (I love my job, so it wasn’t a dread of the unwillingness to work, never…). It was the fear of "how would I perform this week?", "would I be able to meet up?". Then this part hit me again “there is nothing to fear”. That morning at our stand up, I was told I had written the best article ever to be written at the company (this was the best article as at that time, I hope to always top it).
When my mum was also in the hospital for a whole month and I was distressed by how it seemed as though when I was experiencing the "highs" in my career, calamity would want to strike, the HolySpirt reminded me of this scripture and this part stood out to me “…I will harden you to difficulties…”
Then, I thought perhaps I would be sacked for taking time off work to be with my mum, a version of this same scripture struck me “….I will retain you”.
For me it was a confirmation that I was going to be alright and God had my back.
Another morning, overwhelmed by the weight of this feeling like I was going to fail, I woke up with this hymn in my heart — “Praise To The Lord, The Almighty”. I only knew the chorus, so I looked up it’s lyrics on as I laid on my bed with my phone held and drowsy eyes. All of a sudden, a glimmer of hope, a part of the song read “…Praise to the Lord, Who doth Prosper thy work and defend thee; Surely His goodness and mercy here daily attend thee…”
I knew as before that this was my Heavenly Father telling me not to be worried, it was that evening and the next day I asked for a performance review, and it was a good one. It was like Jesus saying, “I told you”.
The following examples, have been centered around work, I bet this inner critic has showed up in all other places..
So how have I dealt with my inner critic over the years? I’ve tried all sorts, both negative and positive means…. drinking, self-harm, therapy, journaling, anti-depressants…all these worked in the way they could, but what tops them all is JESUS.
Maybe someday I’ll write about the others and the parts they played and why you should please not be involved in some 🫠 and why perhaps some might still be a good route to take.
Back to where I was…
I believe on some level our inner voice or if that inner voice be a strong critic, is a compendium of all of our experiences, and that has formed a perception of how we see ourselves or others.
But there’s something superior to our thoughts and perception of how we think of ourselves and how we view ourselves. And that is … What God says to us and what He says about us.
"My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever”…Psalm 73:26
Even if our hearts condemn us, God is greater than our hearts, and He knows all things. 1 John 3:20
Jesus is a sure help, and He is always going to be there…
In addition to all I’ve said, take a look at this picture…
If this baby were crying, would you hit her, slap her, tell her how useless she is and why can’t she just stop crying!, would you cut her?, would you tell her she is worthless and nothing is good about her?… to a new born baby???? (I hope you wouldn’t).
This was one of the questions the HolySpirit asked me as I walked back from the cafeteria to my hostel one evening (300 level first semester)…
Here's what the He said...
Rather, you would carry her, pat her, tell her it's okay, apologize to her, figure out what she needs...basically you would do all you can to make her fine. You're no different from that little child.
The point here is you should also Treat yourself like someone you are responsible for helping…
I’ll talk about this in another entry…
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