A lot has happened over the years. When you remember the hurt, pain and trauma you’ve had to witness and live through, you realize that most of these awful experiences never leave you unscathed. So how do you move on?
How do you move pass hurts? How do you get past the thoughts of “should have”, “could have”, “would have”. Oh, if you could turn back the hands of time just before everything changed, to go back to that exact moment and warn your former self to redirect…change course…say no…avoid…escape…turn…run and maybe, maybe this wouldn’t have ever happened.
October has been awful, and that’s because I’ve be reliving past hurts. I love my parents, but I relived those fights and the consequences it had on me. I love my partner, but I relived times things did not go right. I love my friends, but I relived the seasons our friendship hurt. I’m grateful for God’s restoration, but I can't help but wonder what triggered the hurts to resurface and why did it hurt again even after years of not thinking about it.
I’m relearning what forgiveness is and what forgiveness should look like. How I am forgiven by God, how I am to forgive others, and figuring out what to do when I can’t forget what happened and forgiveness feels like a dirty word.
I’m learning through books, sermons, messages and devotionals around forgiveness.
Why is forgiveness so important, why can’t I just hate on someone for the rest of my life. In the past and even in this moment, I’m learning that the more I hold on to unforgiveness, bitterness and let this pain fester, the more I pull back the hands of time.
Staying here, blaming them, and forever defining my life by what they did will not only increase pain. Worse, the more the pain consumes me, the more it will control me. Then you’re likely to bleed out on those who least deserve to be hurt, including yourself.
Sometimes we try to edit reality and force healing; delete their pictures, keep our distance, change the way their names are saved, or seek a revenge.
I can’t fake myself into being okay with what happened. But I can decide that the one who hurt me doesn’t get to decide what I do with my life and memories.
Our lives can be a graceful combination of beautiful and painful.
I’ve been through enough trauma and I don’t want anything else ripped or stripped again. I’m tired. I need to decide what stays and what goes. I’m in control and I have a choice. I get to decide how I will move forward.
To do this, I’m pouring these gut-wrenching feelings to God, I’m taking therapy again, I’m feeding on materials relating to this subject matter.
Why am I saying all this to you? I was taking a walk yesterday to clear my head, it came to mind that at every verge of giving up, there were people whose words and stories helped me to forge forward and not give up. A persons word that brought light and for a moment took way this heavy burden along with the comfort of realizing that I’m not alone.
So as someone who is traversing this howling desert, I want healing for you too. I don’t know who they are and what they did, but I’m a witness to your pain. By “they”, I’m referring to whosoever might have hurt you, even if that person is yourself.
If no one has told you this, if they don’t understand the depth of your pain and what you had to live through. I will say it to you:
I’m sorry for all they did to you,
I’m sorry for your heart they broke in two or more like in pieces,
I’m sorry for the days you lost sleep,
I’m sorry for days you cried your eyes out,
I’m sorry for the panic attacks you’ve had to live through,
I’m sorry for the memory that stops you from breathing,
I’m sorry that memory draws sharply across your reality,
It not only divides your life, it splits your heart open and defiles it.
I’m sorry for the painful reminder you have to go through of what no longer is.
I’m sorry for your loss,
I’m sorry they walked away,
I’m sorry for the break up,
I’m sorry for the su*cide,
I’m sorry for the hurtful words they said,
I’m sorry for all the deep hurts,
I’m sorry for how that mark seems to be branded on your soul,
I’m sorry for the manipulation, the violation, the violence, the theft,
I’m sorry for the day everything changed.
I’m so sorry for all that’s happened to you.
In whatsoever way what I write translates within the context of your pain and memories. I hope you are able to find light for your situation as well.
In parties, you’re given souvenirs and you get to choose what you want to keep and what you want to let go of. I see the same as with life. The good memories of them. If the good memories were a joy to you, they are yours to keep. Then the other memories that are excruciatingly painful are yours to release.
It’s necessary not to let pain rewrite your memories. And it’s absolutely necessary not to let pain ruin your future.
Is it even possible to move on from something like this? Is it even possible to create a life that’s beautiful again?
We’ll find out...
Thanks for reading!
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